Silent Retreat

I attended a silent retreat this weekend.  Everyone should attend a silent retreat in their lifetime.  A warning, however, you will be hooked.  I was so excited in the days building up to the retreat.  I knew it was my own private little get away with Jesus and I miss connecting with Him on that level.  Try as I might throughout the rest of the year, "busy"ness and demands of the vocation of wife and motherhood doesn't set an environment for deep connection with Jesus.  I try to spend at least 15 minutes of quality one and one time with Him in the morning and I know that all I do as wife and mother is in service to Him.    I also attend Eucharistic adoration every other week, but there is truly something about being emersed in the presence of Jesus with very little distractions for more than a 48 hour period that is like a much needed drink of water to the soul.  It results in the most profound peace.

The retreat began on Friday night, at which time the silence begins, and doesn't end until  after 11:00 mass on Sunday.  For me, Friday night is spent trying to clear my mind and soul and leaving the world behind.  This is a difficult task and usually takes the entire of Friday night.  I had an experience this time on Friday night in our first meditation talk.  I'm not sure what the priest was saying, but he was trying to be funny and telling jokes and I was there for spiritual food so in my head, I started to judge him.  Can you believe?  I thought to myself, "How did he become a priest? "  The nerve of me.  I have been known to exaggerate to tell a good story, but I am NOT exaggerating when I say that not even 10 minutes later he starts to go into his "how I became a priest" story, which was absolutely beautiful.  He even remarked that he didn't know how he got on that tangent.  I couldn't believe that either.  I knew beyond a doubt that Jesus was telling me, "I'm here and I've got things under control.  Don't worry and let me handle things."   By the way, that priest was awesome and in so many talks Jesus used him to talk to me in a profound way.  That same priest would give a talk on the last day of the retreat on the topic "How to live a joy-filled life". One of the main practical points:  stop the RATS (really awful thoughts) in your head.  How ironic (not).

Saturday is the longest day ever and a work day, but I am so happy to go through this day.   For me, there is  lots of crying, reflection, weeping,  bearing of my soul, and sobbing.  This is the day of the Passion. There's something to be said for examining your conscience right in the middle of a 3 day silent retreat.  There is no where to run. No where to hide.  It's just you and your sins.  It also helps that one of the meditations that day is the Passion of Jesus.  A whole talk on how much Jesus loves me that He took on my sins.  I spent at least an hour gazing at Jesus on the Cross.  Looking at how ugly and painful my sins were for Him, brings true contrition.  A painful process, but Praise God that the Resurrection is around the corner because we should  never stop at the sinfulness.  There's always the Resurrection.

By the end of Saturday peace begins to emerge.  I've received Jesus, prayed the Rosary, walked the Stations of the Cross, spent time adoring Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, prepared my Program of Life (where we identify areas of our lives where root sins keep us from growing in holiness and come up with concrete ways to build virtues in those areas), met with a spiritual  guide, meditated upon many aspects of Jesus' life and ways I can build my trust in Him, tried to truly understand His love for me,  contemplated God's compassionate Mercy towards me, and given Him all of my burdens.  In addition to all of that, I experienced a most profound and healing confession and I am now ready for the Resurrection.

It slips in very quietly, very peacefully.  I believe it was that night when we were given time to examine our conscience and as I looked into my soul, I found the most profound peace.  That peace that surpasses understanding.  I found Jesus there.  I had worked hard on cleaning out my soul and HE was there!!!!  That one which my heart desires.  There really was nothing to say.  At that moment nothing in the world mattered but  HE and I.  We just basked in that peace and  love for as long we could.  I knew it would only last, if I was lucky, through the next day.  I knew once the silence was broken, it would disappear.  Not that HE would disappear, but my ability to access Him in the deep depths of my soul would disappear when I stepped back into the world. He would always be there waiting for me and will happily and lovingly take any time I will give Him; ten minutes here and a prayer of desperation there, but sadly that moment won't come again for a long time.  I know it is only a drop in the ocean that is heaven, but it was my little taste of heaven.  Heaven:  my true home.