Purity of Heart

Today's gospel reading is the Beatitudes.  ONe, in particular, that has always puzzled me is "Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God."  I knew it meant a level of holiness that I, myself, hadn't quite yet arrived, but Jesus is such a loving and patient teacher.  

I think about my spiritual journey and the graces God has bestowed upon me over the years.  Some I have taken, some I have not.  I think about when Jesus first grabbed hold of my heart in 1994.  I had so much zeal for God then.  I read my journals from that time and I know God was calling me to serve His people in a profound way,  but fear and my desire to maintain control of my life kept me immobilized.  

Although I have been in a constant search for the will of God in my life for the past 16 years, there has always been a part of my heart that I kept to myself.  Giving up control is a very difficult thing.  Trusting is a very difficult thing.  Even trusting a God who is only after my own heart and, although He doesn't have to, has proven that to me over and over and over again just because HE loves me so much.  For some reason, I couldn't or wouldn't believe that I could be loved that much AND that He knew best for me.  You see, I am a very passionate person, and am especially passionate about Jesus, but I am also a very independent person who has always taken care of myself.  I think somewhere rooted in my heart was a false idea that only I was capable of taking care of myself and making myself happy.  I am the only one who has my best interests at heart.  I still struggle with this false idea daily. 

Last night Mark was way over tired and began throwing a tantrum.  Andrew had asked for cinnamon toast and Mark, of course, wanted some as well.  Because he was on the verge of hysteria, I held him in my lap at the table to calm him.  What he really needed was sleep and I knew that, but he insisted on eating the toast and was way beyond any reasoning so for the sake of momentary peace, I gave him the toast.  He then decided he wanted to eat it in the living room.  Of course he can't, but 4 times he tried to go into the living room, to which I tried to calmly reply, "then leave your toast here on the napkin."  He would scream and cry and finally calm and take a bit of his toast.  He wanted his way and was willing to fight, scream, and cry to get his way, but as calmly as I could, I kept redirecting him so that he could finish his toast and get into bed, which was actually the thing that he needed and would give him peace. 

Our good God, MY good God, knows exactly what will bring me peace and even though I have been fighting Him for control of my life and my heart for years,  He has never given up on me and is constantly redirecting me to the path that will bring me peace.  

In the last few years He has put before my path the most profound teachings through Anne, a lay Apostle and Direction for our Times ( www.directionforourtimes.com ) and just recently Father Jacques Phillipe.  Their teachings (or rather the teachings of Jesus through their "yes" to Him) have penetrated the depths of my heart and set me on my path to holiness that my heart has desired for 16 years, but I, myself, was unable to ascertain.  No matter how good I try to be or how holy I try to become, I can't save myself, can I?  Only God can, and will, do that if I LET Him.  


I want to say that this change of heart came as a result of deep prayer.  I think that prayer is a HUGE part of it because He reveals Himself to us through the quietness of our heart where we meet Him and get to know Him  (deep, contemplative prayer: where have you been all my life?).  However, when I was a single woman living for Jesus, I had all the time in the world to pray and go to adoration, and I DID, but I lacked the disposition of my heart to allow God to possess me FULLY.  It wasn't until I got married and had two children and was on the verge of several nervous breakdowns that I was willing to allow God to fully possess my soul.  This wasn't the first time that He had to remind me that He is God and I am NOT.  The first time was 16 years ago when He brought me out of a pit of despair, loneliness, and emptiness that I had created for myself through my own choices.  This time was different.  I never despaired, but I was holding onto control of my life with a vice grip and the more I held on, the more it crumbled in my hands.  Much like Mark's cinnamon toast.  


It wasn't that what I was trying to control was bad.  What I wanted was the be the best wife and mother I could be.  The problem was that I was trying to do it myself and in the process I had, at many times, the opposite effect of the thing I desired most, loving and cherishing my husband and children.   My love is flawed and I fail them every day (that won't change), but God's love is perfect and if I can get out of the way to allow Him to love them through me, I will be giving them the greatest gift of all.  I can do that by the change in disposition of heart, desiring God's will above anything else.  For example, I want my children to obey.  Do I want them to obey because it makes my life easier or because it is a virtue.  Jesus obeyed His father even unto death and redeemed ALL souls.   I would be lying if I didn't say it is a little bit of both, but that is how my love is flawed.  It almost always has some personal motive.  If I put the entire instruction of obedience in the hands of God, consulting Him, praying for my children, allowing His to speak through me, He will form their consciences and souls.  I can't save them, can I?  Only God can, but I can try to introduce them to God, bring them to God, get out of God's way.  


Here is a little except, "Searching for and Maintaining Peace" by Father Jacques Phillippe.  

One cannot enjoy a profound and durable peace if he is far from God, if his inmost will is not entirely oriented toward Him. "You made us for Yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You" (St. Augustine)

A necessary condition for interior peace, then, is what we might call goodwill. We could also call it purity of heart. It is the stable and constant disposition of a person who is determined more than anything to love God, who desires sincerely to prefer in all circumstances the will of God to his own, who does not wish to consciously refuse anything to God. Maybe (and even certainly) in everyday life, his behavior will not be in perfect harmony with this desire, this intention. There would undoubtedly be many imperfections in his effort to accomplish this desire. But he will suffer, he will ask the Lord's pardon for this and seek to correct himself. Following moments of eventual failure, he will strive to come back to his usual disposition of wanting to say "yes" to God in all things, without exception. 

Here, then, is what we mean by goodwill. It is not perfection, nor sainthood achieved, because it could well coexist with hesitations, imperfections, and even faults. But it is the way, because it is just this habitual disposition of heart (whose foundation is found in the virtues or faith, hope, and love), which permits the grace of God to carry us, little by little, toward perfection. 

This goodwill, this habitual determination to always say "yes" to God, in the great things as in the small, is a sine quan non for interior peace. As long as we have not acquired this determination, a certain uneasiness and sadness will not cease to abide in us - the uneasiness of not loving God as much as He invites us to love Him, and the sadness of still not having given all things to God. Because the man who has given his will to God has, in a certain way already given Him everything. We cannot truly be at peace as long as our hearts have not found their unity and our hearts cannot be unified until all our desires are subordinated to the desire to love God, to please Him and to do His will. This also implies, of course, an habitual determination to detach ourselves form all that is contrary to God. Here, then, is what goodwill consists of, the necessary condition for peace of the soul. 

Spiderman was named after St. Peter

This morning on our way to mass, Bruce and I were telling the boys the gospel story of Peter and Andrew.  Andrew was really interested since we were telling him about how this is about the time we were trying to discern a name for him and it was a gospel story of Andrew and Peter that gave us the inspiration to name him Andrew.

The end of the conversation went something like this:

Bruce:  So Andrew, you are named after the same Andrew who was one of Jesus' followers when he was on earth.  Andrew was the brother of St. Peter, the first leader of the Catholic Church.

Mark:  Hey!  And Peter Parker is the name of Spiderman.

Andrew:  Yea, so Peter Parker must be named after St. Peter.



Oh How I wish I had a photo of Andrew in his Spiderman costume right about now, but here are some other
completely unrelated photos:

Blowing bubbles!  Thank you Nanny Shannon for the cute hat.

He thinks he's Handy Manny.  Mom, here is the photo of the dining room we painted!

OK, He's sitting on the toilet, but look at that smile!!

I debated whether to post this because of the messy pantry, but it was so cute.  It took me a day or two to figure out where all the empty capri suns and snack papers were coming from.  I heard some noise coming from the utility room and this is what I found.  Of course, instead of disciplining him, I said, "Wait, let me get the camera" 

Faith and Hope

Happy New Year!!!  The beginning of a new year is always so exciting to me.  It represents an idea of a  fresh start and new opportunity to grow and learn.  As I am typing this, I think, each new day brings these things as well.  However, I guess it's the fact that the New Year only comes around every 365 days that makes it different and exciting.  

There is a great movie called, "Amazing Grace".  The movie claims to be based on a true story.  I"m not sure how much license the script writer took, but it is basically the story of a man who, through his faith and the guidance of his childhood pastor, orchestrated the collapse of the British Slave trade in the 1800's.  Throughout the movie, the main character (who is a member of the British Parliament ) seeks advice and counsel from his childhood Pastor who, at the end of his life, is living a life of repentance for having  participated in the slave trade as a captain on a slave ship.  I love how every time the main character ( I forget his name) visits the Pastor, the Pastor is engaged in some type of humbling  work such as mopping the floors of a massive church.   Oh!  I neglected to mention that this Pastor is believed to have written the hymn, "Amazing Grace", hence the name of the movie.

Anyway, I digress, my favorite scene and the point I am trying to make comes toward the end of the film when the Pastor is visited one last time.  He is blind and the conversation goes something like this, "You are blind." states the main characters.  To which the Pastor replies, "Yes, God decided that I had seen all that I needed to see" and proceeded about his work without another thought.   The faith and hope in that statement is astounding.  The peace deserves a mention as well.

Last year, I felt strongly called to pray for Peace and Joy for the entire year.  Or should I say, I had a strong desire in my heart for peace and joy and spent all year praying for those fruits.  Although I tasted peace and joy many times throughout this year, the possession of peace and joy deep in my soul still escapes me.  This has been a year of tremendous grace and growing, but not without tremendous struggle.  Praise God!!  How else would we know that we are growing if not for the struggles.

Since September, the idea of "growing in virtues" and in particularly the Theological virtues of Faith, Hope and Love have come across my path, at least weekly and culminated at Christmas when they were the common thread woven through 3 different books I have been reading during Advent and Christmas: Interior Freedom by Jacques Phillippe, The Diary of Elizabeth Lesur, and Lesson in Love by Anne, a lay apostle.

What I am learning is that peace and joy are the fruits of  Faith and Hope.  WHAT!?!?   It has been 16 years since Jesus pulled me out of a life of emptiness and  touched my heart with a love and acceptance I had never known and I have never been the same.  I have voraciously sought Jesus and continue to study and learn more about my faith.  I have the hope of heaven and believe in the promises of God and eternal life with Him.  How could I not have enough faith and hope?   Jesus is teaching me that there is a level of faith and hope from which comes that peace and joy that surpasses all understanding.  There is a faith and hope that transforms the depths of your very soul.  There is a faith and hope that, when faced with blindness, one peacefully trusts that "God decided I have seen all I needed to see"  and continues to go about the business of God's work and not plunge into despair.  That's the kind of faith and hope that brings true peace and joy, not the peace and joy that is fleeting, but deep and transforming.  It doesn't make my kids miraculously obedient, wonderful children or my husband "get me", or people accept me, but it transforms ME so that my peace is rooted in something other than what is going on all around me or other people.  It is rooted in my heart and my knowledge that Jesus is truly there and no one or nothing can take that away.

I'm also learning that to get there requires spending time with Jesus in that place in my heart.  Life today is so busy, but I am learning that this is the most important thing in life.  Anne writes in Lessons in Love, "I know that existing in the contempletive reality is our goal" and "Jesus desires personal transformation to be our highest priority."  I've got to stop making excuses and I've got to let go and let Him transform me into a new creation.

Prayer to ask for the virtue of Hope by Elisabeth Leseur

My God, who hast allowed us human hopes, but who alone bestowest Christian and supernatural hope, grant, I beseech Thee, by Thy grace, this virtue to my soul, to the souls of all I love, and to all Christian soul.

Let it enlighten and transform our lives, our suffering, and even our death, and let it uphold in us, through the disappointment and sadness of each day, an inner strength and unalterable serenity.